Body Soiree

"We need never be ashamed of our tears." Charles Dickens Growing up I was made to feel ashamed of my tears. Often called 'dramatic' or the Black Marilyn Monroe, I took to hiding my tears. As a kid this is a really hard thing to do! Children are or should be so much more connected to their feelings than adults. But when you are told to stop crying, even when you feel hurt or your feelings are minimized and mocked, you build interior and exterior walls. You might even start discounting or second guessing your own feelings. If you are doing this to yourself, I am here to tell you that you have the right to feel...everything!  Have a heart that never hardens... Charles Dickens I used to date a man that was uncomfortable with my tears. If and when I would cry, he would leave the room. No soft touch he would give me or a reassuring word. He would just... leave. It would only make me cry harder. I learned to hide my tears or sadness to please him, just like my child...

No one, when I was a kid, ever called depression, depression. Did we even know that word existed in the eighties?  It was referred to as "being blue" or "having a case of the blues." I didn't know that word, depression, until I got older and it became the "it" word for everything. Oh, he isn't talking today, he must be depressed! She has been a bit standoffish and quiet; must be depression! Regular folks became mini psychiatrists and got on everyone's nerves with their two bit analysis of your bad day or week. I can only speak from my truth, which I always try to do and it is not easy. Why? Because you don't want people to know when you are in a depression. How can you explain what you are feeling? I almost feel ashamed, being my worst judge and critic, as if I caused it in some way. How can I speak about positive thinking, exercising and being emotionally and spiritually healthy when I am struggling just getting out of my bed? I went again...

I had a hard time letting go. People, things with any type of sentimental attachment, etc. It was the idea that I had abandoned someone that I couldn't shake. What if they might need me? What if they are left alone and something bad happens to them? What if all they need is just one more chance to act right and I leave? Then what?! I am writing about this because just last night, as I was cleaning out my backpack, a note from years ago dropped out of my agenda. It was a note written by an ex-fiance listing all of the reasons he loved me. This note was written over seven years ago... why do I still have it? I thought I had become this person who every six months cleans house, literally and figuratively. Clothes, shoes, linens, people, I clean house, but I guess old habits die hard and for some reason I kept this list and then promptly put it away and purposely forgot it.  Did I need validation? I was a good Woman to him, he was a donkey( did you know some donkey's walk and talk...

Besides me trying to be the most positive person EVER ! I have really been working on forgiveness. Oh Yes, the F-word.  Holy Crap! it's hard.  I read a book that requests that you list all of the people that have crossed you, every last one , then write how they have wronged you. You will be amazed at how long this list can get. Then, when you have done all of this, here is the kicker: YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM! Incredibly difficult and mind blowing. Why? Because as you are writing all of this stuff down, you start to notice a pattern in your behavior and in your interactions with other people. If you are willing to recognize it for what it is, great change can happen for you! There can be no excuses, because the Truth will be staring you right in the face, all in black and white. The questions I started asking myself, once I noticed my patterns were: 1. Why did I attract these particular people into my life( Family we can do absolutely nothing about.. sorry!)?  2. Why did I ...